For some, talking about feelings or problems just isn’t how they cope with them. They may view dishing about troubles as a sign of weakness or vulnerability, especially in front of their partner, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. They might also feel insecure or inadequate if they haven’t found a way to solve whatever their problem is.

Or even if appearing vulnerable isn’t an issue, your partner still might prefer to stay mum. We all have different ways of working through stress or sadness—think exercising, going for a walk, journaling, or just spending some time alone. So when we say things like “come on, tell me, I really want to know,” or “maybe I can help,” the intention is kind, but it takes the focus off your partner’s problem and makes it more about you and your need for your them to open up, says Greer. And to your S.O., it shows that you’re disrespecting their need to solo-soothe on this one. (It’s okay to ask if your partner wants to talk, but if the answer is no, don’t push.