You Really Do Not Want To Sit Beside These Guys In Church

By Lindsey VanSparrentak

1. The Sneezer

These aren’t the people who sneeze into the crook of their arm. I’m talking the sneeze-directly-into-my-hand-and-then-wipe-snot-all-over-their-palms people. The Sneezer takes many forms: A mom with allergies, an old man with a common cold, or a kid with nose so runny it’s nicknamed “Old Faithful.”


The Safe Zone: While you’ll be safe from most airborne germs, you aren’t safe when it comes time to pass the peace. Make sure you put enough people in between you and The Sneezer to fill the entire minute. It’s a good idea to have a backup stash of hand sanitizer, just in case.

2. The Unrequited Crush

Whether he won’t stop texting you or keeps asking you out on dates despite your polite declinations, it’s always a good idea to avoid The Unrequited Crush.

The Safe Zone: This safe zone is a lot less about where you are and more about who you’re with. Keep a safety zone of friends around and it’s much harder to get cornered. Bonus: by making sure you two are never alone, you don’t have to hear comments like, “You sure would make sure a cute couple!” Talk about an awkward moment.

3. The Opera Singer

The Opera Singer has so much vibrato that there’s a rumor she’s the real reason the walls of Jericho came tumbling down. The great news is that God thinks this worship is beautiful. The bad news is you don’t. It can be quite the distraction during your time of worship.

The Safe Zone: You can sit as close as you’d like to the person, as long as it’s not directly in front of them. So you’re in the clear if you’re anywhere behind them, but I recommend a safe zone of three seats to their left or right.

4. The Wannabe In-Laws

Steady job? Check! Love the Lord? Check check! No ring? Jackpot! You’re a prime target for parents with grown, unmarried children. There’s very few things they want more than their kids married off (especially if they’re permanent basement-dwellers).

The Safe Zone: Like a shark’s ability to smell blood, Wannabe-In-Laws can smell your singleness from a mile away. It’s best to stay out of their line of sight and to prepare an exit strategy. For instance, plans to meet your totally-real-and-not-made-up boyfriend’s family for lunch right after church.

5. The Loud Whisperers


Loud Whisperers have this burning desire to comment on everything. Sadly, they were never probably taught to whisper. Unfortunately, Loud Whisperers tend to travel in packs so the occasional comment turns into a family discussion that’s almost as loud as the preacher himself.

The Safe Zone: Safe Zones may varies depending on a person’s volume but the only way to stay focused on the sermon is to stay out of earshot.


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One Response to You Really Do Not Want To Sit Beside These Guys In Church

  1. Oluwatosino May 1, 2017 at 2:57 am

    Oh my world….. The sneezes are hell no for me oo. Wanna be in-laws, we know how to deal with them… Lol
    Well, nice article and good tips on how to stay away from these people… LMAO


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