May you never know the grave of a child
O ko ni mo saare omo
Do not ask about the grave of a child
I do not know how many cultures practice this
In Yorubaland
No parent is allowed to know the resting place of their offspring
They might know eventually
But they do not ask
It is a taboo
The logic is simple
Parents give life
They nurture life
They place their hopes and dreams in the life they create
In the correct order of things
The children bury their parents
With pomp and circumstance according to their means
Prince or Pauper
It is a blessing to be buried by your children
When the unthinkable happens
There is a blackout
There is gatekeeping
There is protection
No parent is allowed near the burial
They do not ask
That is what the peers of the deceased and younger ones are for
No parent is supposed to have conversations about how or where their children are buried
Do not ask
We are not rootless people wandering our lands
We did not drop from the sky
We were not summoned into existence by keyboards
We have order, structure and process
We have values and identity
Sadly, we don’t seem to have elders who know their left from their right anymore
May we never know the grave of our children
May we never be stripped naked by ill fortune
May our eyes never witness evil
May we never bear false witness
May we never be responsible for the suffering of the innocent
May our ears never harden to the sound of heartbreak
May we learn not to cry more than the bereaved
Not all grief requires an audience
Not all tears need a cellphone
Not all questions are meant for the village square
Not all family are family
Not all friends are friends
Do not ask
If and when there are questions
Let them be asked by the right persons, in the right way, at the right time
May you never know the grave of a child
O ko ni mo saare omo
May God comfort all the bereaved
May the wounds heal some day, even though the pain never goes away
Do not ask
Children bury their parents
Parents do not bury their children
Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Leadership Coach, Policy Advocate and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com