Lagos,Nigeria
Friday, March 29th, 2024

Search
Search
Close this search box.

LOUD WHISPERS: Before The Next Eulogy

No comment
Friday, June 3rd, 2016
13 comments

My maternal grandfather, late Pa Omitusa Awoseye was known as a man of principle, not to be trifled with. As a successful farmer from Ilara-Mokin, near Akure in Ondo State, his opinion mattered in his community. He had a large family of three wives and many children – Yoruba etiquette frowns on counting a man’s children, though I have always thought this to be a convenient loophole for men’s indiscretions. Let us just say we are talking a bit over a football team here. My mother was his first-born, so she had the responsibility of caring for the rest of her siblings. Three of my Aunts were brought up by my parents, and they lived with us for many years, till it was time for them to start families of their own. The oldest of my Aunts, who I will call Auntie Titi had a beau who she was in love with. Let me call him Mr Bayo. He was from Ilara-Mokin too, a graduate teacher. I met him once, he seemed quite nice. My Aunt started to make wedding plans.

One day my grandfather visited us in Lagos. He rarely came to Lagos unless it was very important for him to do so. After dinner, he had a meeting with my parents, my Aunt was present. The meeting got very heated, we could hear Grandpa talking very animatedly. Perhaps in a bid to calm him down, my mother came to my room and asked me to bring some water for them. As soon as I put the glass of water down next to him, he picked up the water,  said something in his Ilara dialect, took a sip of water and spat it out on the floor.  I did not think much of it because old folks do strange things, perhaps it was another way of pouring libation I thought. Later on, Auntie Titi gave us the fill gist. Grandpa was not pouring libation. He was placing a curse on the proposed union of Auntie Titi and Mr Bayo! What he said and sealed with the water he spat out was ‘Over my dead body will you marry into that family’. Why?, we all wailed in dismay.  This is where the story gets interesting. Grandpa’s younger sister, (Mama Pitan for this story) had married into Mr Bayo’s family approximately thirty years before then. Mama Pitan’s husband was what I call a classic JDA – Jobless, Drunk and Abusive. The poor woman worked her fingers to the bone trying to keep her family together, especially caring for her children – farming, trading, hawking, you name it, she did it. Her efforts were rewarded with more beatings and abuse. My Grandpa was the one bailing her out financially and providing a shoulder to cry on. When he attempted to get Baba Pitan’s family to talk to their son, they would tell him his sister was arrogant and proud because she came from a successful family. In an effort to make peace with her husband and in-laws, Mama Pitan stopped asking for help, and would pretend that all was well. All this took a toll on her health and eventually Mama Pitan left the marriage, thankfully, alive. I am sure we all know my Grandpa, while feeling bad for his sister, would have heaved a sigh of relief that his sister had left that irresponsible family. He swore back then, that they would never have anything to do with the family again. Thirty years later, the son of one of Baba Pitan’s cousins shows up asking for Grandpa’s daughter’s hand in marriage! From the same family that condoned the abuse, suffering and humiliation of his sister.  Now we can understand the old man’s rage and indignation. My parents pleaded on behalf of my Aunt, Grandpa’s response was ‘From the way my sister was treated, I know madness runs in the family. Never again’. There was no fairy tale ending. My Aunt married someone else.

I have told this story because I want us to reflect on the responsibility of parents and wards when it comes to providing support for married couples. Grandpa came from a generation that frowned on divorce, so his sister ending up a divorcee would not have been seen as ideal. He however made it known that he would no longer tolerate the abuse of his sister, and when she was ready, she made a decision and he stood by her.

Full article in Loud Whispers cover final

Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com

 

 

13 Responses

  1. At last.. My mind has been made known on this domestic violence. #zerotolerance is the key. What the youths need to hear are the experiences and how the situations where resolved just like grandpa Awoseye because i still believe every marriage is unique. Time to learn “before the next eulogy”.

  2. I think most abusive husbands were once abusive boyfriends, women are just mostly blinded by emotions to see the devil before them and the Saint he’ll never become. When he slaps you while he’s still a bf, leave him my sister. You don’t want him pushing you down the stairs after marriage.

  3. what I thing is that parent should really be interested in there children marital life and not only wedding day. that’s very common in out country. I think parent should be able to pick interest in there children’s marriage life.

  4. @Femi. You are very right, most women see these things and overlook them. Personally, i told myself this, if i am in a relationship with you and you tell me ”shutup” while we trying to figure somethings out, That Relationship Automatically SHUTS DOWN! No matter the explanation and apology. #Zerotolerance. Beautiful Piece I must say.

  5. what I think is that parent should be interested in their children’s marit life and not only wedding day. I think that’s also one of the problem must Nigeria couple face. I think parent should be able to pick interes and find time to talk to them and let them know what they are moving into.

  6. This is not just a feminist write up because the voice speaking from d wilderness doesn’t depict a gender discrimination… It is a voice to save whatsoever finds him/herself in uncontrollably domestic violence . Grandpa is a man I can bow for… He did the right thing even though his daughter-Auntie Titi was old enough to make her choice. The line here doesn’t say they are believers, so I believed we are reading about a generation of traditionalists… so, the possibility of what happened to Grandpa’s sister happening to his daughter after 30 good years could have been high if not hindered by Grandpa Awoseye since madness that runs through a linkage is never curable except Jesus’ blood is in place.

  7. Thank You Jesus now I know better, I have always thought of things like divorce or seperation as the worst thing on earth due to the fact that the bible condemns it. But after reading this wonderful write up I realize its sometimes good to let go of a lazy and shameless man especially when He beats up his wife. And as for Grand pa’s judgement oooooooh I so love it. First I wanted to blame Him because its a thing of the past and maybe Bayo is really a very nice person. But Grand pa’s decision wasn’t bad at all because “once beaten twice shy”

  8. Experience they say is the best teacher. When our parents tell us not to get married to someone with good reasons is because of what they have seen and they know better than us.Many people this days want a very beautiful wedding without considering a beautiful home instead. We should all try to learn from other people’s mistake so that we won’t regret later in life. This piece said it all and that’s it. God help we the singles in our choices in Jesus name.

  9. Hmmmmmmmmmnn, when I first saw papa’s judgement I paused for some minutes and said in this jet age? But after I finished reading it I had a different orientation about Papa’s decision. This story of Bayo’s family reminds me of what happened to a young lady some years back. She was always maltreated by her hubby and everytime she comes back to her parent’s house they will hold a meeting because of her and send her back to her matrimonial home all in the name of shame and its a sin to be divorced. Not until one day her parents got the news that their daughter had died. Oooooooh what a tragic news, the man went to jail but that didn’t bring the woman that was dead back. My advice 2 every parents, pls do not meddle wrongly in your children’s marital affairs because you might end up loosing them!

  10. I don’t want to be judgemental, but I think Grandfather’s judgement was kinda cruel. Haba that’s a thing of the past now? 2nd cor 5:17 that should sometimes be our watch word, Bayo’s family might have turned a new leaf. Am glad the story ended well and Titi got another man Glory to God, there’s nothing like divorce in Christiandom but it was proposed by Moses to the isrealite because of the hardness of their hearts. Any lady that finds a man should go to God and ask whether she should go ahead or not before saying yes because if you jump into marriage all in the name of am aged, all my friends are getting married and I don’t want to be mocked you will practically jump out of it. A man that doesn’t respect a Lady during courtship will never respect her after their wedding and it will keep getting worst. It takes only the Grace of God for such marriage to stand firm and florish.

  11. Touching and really educative story….so many marriages are crumbling because both parties think love is enough…marriage is a lifetime commitment…so we really need to be sure of that partner to avoid abuse emotionally and physically

  12. Recently, I read an article about this same issue in a newspaper. The rate of physical and mental abuse in marriages keeps rising. This has been on for a long time, however, it doesn’t end at abuse, now there’s more…homicides. These horrific incidences makes one wonder if these were the same people that professed undying love and people gathered to celebrate. Somehow, my subconscious mind refuses to fathom, but these are really happening and the society can no longer turn a blind eye. Whatever the reasons for problems in marriages, physical abuse should not be condoned by anyone. Women and men alike should care about themselves enough to leave abusive relationships because it just might cost them their lives. I’ve been seeing billboards by the LASG to help abused children. I think the government can also do something for our wives and mothers too; a toll-free number people can call if they are being abused. People should stop minding their business when they notice families where abuses are going on, rather than gossiping about them, help them get help. It’s dangerous if our wives and mothers keep dying for being just that. I must commend the writer though, this is quite enlightening and we need to take action.

  13. Most of the time parent are at fault. They don’t want there daughters to divorce so they either persuade them to be patient. I am not in support of divorce neither but separation is the best option. Separation and divorce are not the same. Walk out of that abuse relationship and pray more is better than you staying in there until you lost your life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *