It has been a while since we heard from our friends at the newspaper stand as they discuss headline news in the morning. We have missed them!
Benson: Oga Moses, Oga Musa, good morning, how are you today?
Moses: I am well, thank you Oga Benson. Joe, Steven, good morning
Musa: Good morning to you all
Joe: Good morning my brothers, hope you had a good night
Steven: Good morning everyone. May today be good for us all
Benson: Oga Musa, Ramadan Kareem
Musa: Thank you, my brother. Are you fasting too during this Lent period?
Benson: No, my church does not follow the Lent fasts, we have our own fasting schedule as determined by our General Overseer. It is Oga Moses who is observing Lent
Moses: Yes, Lent is a blessing at a time like this when food is so expensive. At least I will have salvation in return for my hunger
Musa: Fasting during this period is hard, do you know the price of fruits now?
(Everyone sighs)
Moses: (Picks up a newspaper) ‘ERISCO FOODS FACES BACKLASH FOR ARREST AND TRIAL OF PREGNANT WOMAN OVER SOCIAL MEDIA REVIEW OF PRODUCT’
Benson: Why now? So, people cannot complain about a product again? How many people will police arrest?
Moses: Don’t mind them. I don’t blame the big man flexing his muscles, it is the police who we should be asking what business they have picking up people anyhow. What did she write to deserve this kind of treatment? The police have time for this kind of case, but no resources to pursue kidnappers and thieves. Wonderful.
Joe: The CEO says her comments online will cost him billions he has invested in his business
Steven: So, this is the best way to save his business? This is the problem with all these local champions. The CEO is Board Chairman, Chief Accountant, Human Resource Manager, PRO, Marketer
Moses: Is he not supposed to have competent Public Relations people to give him advice? He could have turned the so-called attack into an opportunity to re-position his business. Now, many women are quietly avoiding his product. He hasn’t seen anything yet.
Musa: I have told my wife not to buy their product and she agrees with me. Not that I would know the difference if she uses it though.
(They all laugh)
Joe: GOVERNOR SEYI MAKINDE ANNOUNCES THE PASSING OF OBA LEKAN BALOGUN, OLUBADAN OF IBADAN
Steven: Haba! Is this not the one who got there not up to two years?
Benson: Yes, the one before died in January 2022
Moses: You know they have a clear order in place, so everyone knows who is next. No matter how old you are, if it is your turn, you occupy the throne
Joe: Can they not adjust their system so they can have younger people to avoid this crown today bury tomorrow wahala?
Steven: No o! They should leave it like that. When did you hear that they had problems with crowning a successor or a money bag buying his way to their throne? Everyone knows who is next, no Mago Mago, no cheating.
Moses: It is good jare, that way even if their reign is short, they will avoid having all these Shakiti bobo rulers on the throne.
Benson: DEFENCE HEADQUARTERS DECLARES EIGHT PERSONS WANTED OVER KILLING OF 18 MILLITARY PERSONNEL
Moses: Chai!! That is such a bad case. How can local youth waste the lives of so many military men? Na Juju they use?
Benson: So sad, I wonder what is becoming of us. No more value for human life. When the soldiers decide to retaliate and wipe all of them out, they will complain.
Joe: Mba o! Two wrongs will never make a right. Enough blood has been shed. All we want is peace. There is too much killing, left, right, north, south, east, west, it is too much. It should stop. Dealing with poverty and unemployment is bad enough. Untimely death is another thing altogether. At least, while there is still life, there is hope.
(They all nod in agreement)
Moses: MORE THAN 130 KIDNAPPED NIGERIAN STUDENTS RELEASED
Musa: Alhamdulillah!
Steven: Praise the Lord! Wait o, was it not almost 300 children that they kidnapped?
Benson: It was 287
Joe: So, where are the others? Or are they young girls who they are planning to hold on to as usual?
Moses: This is terrible. How is it even possible to carry away almost 300 human beings, as if they are goats? How?
Benson: In a place where life has little value and it is all about money to be made, it is possible
Musa: This is too bad. It has now become such a profitable venture for the criminals. Did you see the one posing with photographs of bundles of money paid as ransom for kidnap victims?
Steven: So how are they going to get the others back? Did they pay ransom for these ones?
Moses: Even if they paid, they will not tell us. The government is not supposed to negotiate with criminals.
Joe: It is easy to say. If you are kidnapped, will you not pay? May God protect all of us.
Steven: We need to show we are serious about protecting ourselves before God can help us. Even the General Overseers and Pastors, do you not see the size of their bodyguards and the guns they carry? Their security officers are better armed than the Police!
Benson: What happened to the blood of Jesus as protection?
Joe: En hen? Okay, don’t lock your door before you sleep tonight
(Everyone laughs)
Musa: DR ADA UMEOJI ANNOUNCED AS NEW CEO OF ZENITH BANK
Moses: Chineke! See fine woman! No wonder, na woman like this de get this kind promotion
Steven: What is that supposed to mean?
Joe: He means that she must have been very ‘popular’ with Ogas at the top
Musa: You should be ashamed of yourselves. Do you not have daughters or sisters? Or you do not pray that a woman from your family will get to this level?
Steven: Let them be talking like goats. Instead of being proud of women like her and encouraging them, you are saying nonsense. Do you think all women are ‘send me 2k credit’?
Musa: Send your daughters to school and keep them there till they can perform wonders like this woman. The problem with you is you want your daughters and sisters to succeed but you will not encourage your wives.
It is not true! they all laugh
Joe: BOBRISKY DECLARED BEST-DRESSED FEMALE AT MOVIE PREMIERE
Musa: Auzubillahi! How is that possible? How can a man win best-dressed female? Is he a woman?
Steven: She says she is a woman
Joe: She says? Or He says? Was he born a woman? Now he wants to be a woman? Is he okay?
Joe: Where there no women at the event?
Steven: She has a right to be whatever she wants to be. It is her right.
Moses: It is also my right to call myself a donkey. Haba, what is wrong with us?
Joe: He is not the only one, there are many like him, or is it her?
Moses: Shim?
Steven: She has not hurt anybody and it is her life. Why don’t we focus on more important things?
Musa: What is more important than teaching our children the right values as Africans, instead of importing everything they see or hear? We are now on an expressway to hell.
Steven: Bobrisky is not responsible for terrorism, corruption, budget-padding, bunkering, kidnapping. I actually admire her courage.
Moses: Her? Are you alright?
Joe: Steven, even if I don’t agree with you, you have a point. Thunder strike all of them, all those who will not allow us rest in this country, be they he/she/him/her/shim
Steven: Just be careful what you post online. When you want to apply for a visa, they will say you have a bad human rights profile. They will accuse you of hate speech and transphobia.
Musa: Let them keep their yeye visa. I am not going to Japa, we all die here.
(Everyone laughs)
Pedro (Owner of the newspaper stand) Guys, well done o! How many are you buying today, abi na only free reading?
The guys (Laughing) No, we will buy
(They all buy one newspaper each)
Moses: I can read the paper on my phone, but I do not want to miss my morning gist with you all. See you next time
The guys: Yes o, see you soon.
Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Policy Advocate and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com