Sharing a tight bond with your partner is a wonderful thing, especially if you spend time doing activities you both get a kick out of and are on the same page in terms of values and goals.
But there is such a thing as being too closely connected to the point that it hurts you and your relationship in the long run. It’s called codependency, which means you’re too encapsulated in your significant other—dependent on them for approval and a self-esteem boost and always allowing their emotions and actions to take the lead and influence your own.
Codependency can be defined as “an unhealthy, dysfunctional, or dangerous reliance on another person,” says Andrea Miller, author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love. “I think of it as a relationship that’s characterized by scarcity and fear over love and abundance.” While it’s normal to want your partner’s support and feel certain that what you two have is unique and special, people who are codependent need validation all the time.
A codependent relationship can be one where both partners have this dysfunctional reliance on the other, or it can be totally one-sided, with only one person looking to the other, who may actually like having so much control. If you think you might be the codependent one, this expert-backed checklist will help you figure it out. (And if any apply to your partner, they might be codependent on you.)
You’re Afraid To Make Decisions On Your Own
If you feel a need to have your partner weigh in on every aspect of your life, from when you should hang out with your friends to whether you should go for a promotion at your workplace, it could mean you’re codependent.
“You shouldn’t not listen to how your partner feels, but if at the end of the day you can’t consider anything without their agreement, then you may be too dependent,” Gail Saltz, MD, a New York City–based psychiatrist, tells Health. While committed relationships require compromise from time to time, finding yourself anxious about making a decision without you partner’s input could mean you’re insecure about your own judgment. Instead of trusting what you think is right, you go with what your partner says or wants.
You’ll Do Anything To Avoid An Argument
Finding yourself agreeing with your partner more often than not, whether it’s about a political issue or where to go for dinner, can be a sign that you’re a good match. But being in cahoots 100% of the time can indicate codependency, says Dr. Saltz. It suggests “you don’t have your own opinion or identity,” she explains.
“A person who is emotionally mature and healthy, [who feels] love and abundance and trust,” won’t be afraid to voice an opposing viewpoint, says Dr. Saltz. But a codependent partner would rather stay silent, afraid that disagreeing could spark an argument that threatens the entire relationship. Having disputes shouldn’t be anything to fear, and partners who have a healthy connection accept that they won’t always see eye to eye.
You’re Always Putting Your Partner First
So-called “people pleasers” who consider their significant other’s wants and needs before their own are susceptible to entering codependent relationships, says Dr. Saltz.
Codependent types are “fixers and have a great propensity to caretake to an unhealthy degree,” explains Miller. Codependency in the form of people pleasing can manifest in non-romantic relationships, too. Take Miller’s example of a mother-daughter duo. “One woman I was talking to said she would ask her adult daughter, who was living with her, a million questions every night, like Can I make you dinner? even though the daughter was an adult. The daughter was pulling back like Woah, I’m getting smothered.”
You Do Favors That Normally Make You Uncomfortable
We all set our own personal behavior boundaries, prohibiting us from doing things we’re not comfortable with. But if you catch yourself stretching those boundaries specifically for your partner, it could mean you’re codependent.
Lets say you have a longstanding rule never to loan anyone more than $50, for example. Yet when your partner says they need a loan for a larger sum but don’t offer any major reason why, you decide to write the check—convincing yourself that it’s because you love them. “You’re changing your standards,” says Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a New York City–based clinical psychologist, and that’s a sign you’re losing sight of who you are and what you’re comfortable with.
Your Life Revolves Around Activities You Don’t Really Enjoy
While showing interest in your significant other’s passions and interests demonstrates that your willingness to try new things and share activities together, you’re not required to love those things just because he does—and close but healthy partners understand this by allowing each other to do things on their own.
