I had a conversation with a young woman in her late twenties recently, let me call her Jenny. She wanted my advice on her situation with her ‘Fiancé’. They have been together for three years, and even though he has not actually popped the question, he refers to her in public as his ‘fiancée’ and he has met her family. She has also been introduced to his people. This has given Jenny some confidence, and has helped ease worries that she does not actually have a ring on her finger. However, what has been causing her concern lately is that her fiancé’s attitude has started to change. He does not visit when he says he will and comes up with excuses. He does not return calls for hours, claiming to be busy. All these are classic avoidance games. Jenny asked me if I thought he was still serious about marrying her. I responded by asking her, ‘Given this situation, are you serious about marrying him’? She sounded surprised at this question.
A young cousin of mine got married a few years ago. The wedding took place in July. By November, it was over. I was appalled. I had been one of the ‘Mothers of the Day’. I had been consulted during the wedding preparations and my cousin had brought his fiancée to meet me after he had proposed. I found it disturbing that a wedding that I had been involved in supporting had unraveled without notice. Or so I thought. When I asked my cousin what had happened and why he had not deemed it fit to seek advice and support till things got out of control, what he said was, ‘ I had an agreement with her’. To cut a long story short, it turned out that three months before the wedding, my cousin decided that his fiancée was not the right woman for him. He tried to break off the engagement, but the lady threatened to kill herself, saying that she could not live with the shame since they had already chosen a wedding date and preparations had commenced. After a lot of pleading, my cousin accepted her suggestion, which was to go ahead and get married anyway. After the wedding, they would then quietly go their separate ways. She and her family would be spared the embarrassment of calling the wedding off. It seems as if this was a ploy, the bride assumed that after the wedding had taken place before God and man, it would be a done deal. My cousin would be trapped into submission. She was wrong. I looked at my cousin as he was telling me his side of the story, and I thought of all kinds of sticks and brooms I wanted to bang on his head and hers for their mutual stupidity.
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Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com
17 Responses
This is just a wakeup call to many men most especially those church brothers.
Know the level: Boyfriend is Boyfriend, Fiance is Fiance!
But then, for me o… If you want to date me, its just for two years anything more than that, Get out of my life.
I am not an institution.
Thanks To Abovewhispers
Sometimes, You know you want her to be your wife, but the right time, or the right things hasn’t fallen in place yet. I think it’s only wrong when you tie her down unnecessarily calling her what you know she won’t be.
@Opeyemi..More than two years? Women of the 21st century and their outlines. I wouldn’t mind the writer addressing this issue.
This is mind Pounding/Blowing o.
I am happy to read this here.
Make sure you are on the right path before venturing into it
This thing happened to my friend some weeks back. The guy she has been dating for a year now, recently proposed to her and she turned it down. He made a surprise proposal and she didnt take it from him.
she told him that he wasn’t ready. He has no job at hand, And she can’t start wearing an engagement ring for more than a year. So she turned him down and told him that they needed to work and place priorities right!
It was harsh and i was really mad at her because it was more like a disgrace to the man who loves her but reading this article I will say, I know better and I am happy that she did that.
I am blessed to have seen this here and I am blessed to have Friend that knows what she is doing!
as for me I believe engagement should come after you must have be ready for marriage it should not be 5years before marriage. that’s my view.
Don’t call what is not.
It’s after family introduction that I call my boyfriend Fiance.
There is no need calling pepper, tomatoes.
Well done Abovewhispers
Great write up and wonderful read for me. I think your young cousin was simply manipulated by the prowess of a woman. I think this is great lesson.. Please let us take our time when it comes to marriage. Like a friend would say, marriage is deep.
Time we need to get it right that marriage is about two people; the husband and the wife. Do not trade your happiness for other people that won’t be in the marriage. Thank you ma.
Hmmmmmmmmm….. What a post!!!
For me – define every relationship.
And aside that, only God can help us all for real.
Hmmmmm…. May God help us and lead us into the right hand.
GreatPost
I have really learned from those great comments too.
May God increase your knowledge.
If only everyone could always use their head to think about these matters and not their heart. Relationship issues just always become way more complex cos of all the emotions involved. This is a very good one
I just kept reading this over. Things every young persons should know
To my understanding every relationship must be properly defined. Get to know where you fit in , in his or her mind don’t just assume. Likewise if you are seeing a strange signal is better you check it out if is to go ahead, to wait or to stop. Kudos to abovewhisper for this piece.
This is a lesson to learn from. This as been a crucial situation facing marriage institution of today. It is better to lose the courtship than to face hell in marriage. You are met to enjoy your union and not to endure.
A very beautiful piece I must confess. Have been blessed and have also learned from every comments here. You all said it well. Marriage should be enjoyed and not endured and it’s good to have a failed relationship or courtship than a failed marriage.
Engagement should not take more than a year, that’s 4 me oo or 6months self
I feel so privileged to be part of this great group. Article was on point. Well read and understood. I just had to post this to all my Fb friends to also learn from this piece. Marriage is not 2minutes indomie noodles ooo. And to engage a girl you can’t wake up to see everyday. Let the engagement break than your marriage to fail. Am tbams for abovewhispers.com