You must want to be constructive to make it happen, especially if you need to overcome your own hurt feelings to figure out how to fix your relationship. You may have a wonderful store of knowledge, skills and tools, but if you lack the intention to use them, the point is moot.

We have a tendency of retaliating and responding to hostility with more hostility, which creates a vicious cycle that amplifies and escalates the negativity of a conflict. This is called the retaliatory spiral, and it can cause a relationship to wither and, eventually, end. You’re using negative habits to self-sabotage.

What causes this? A conflict becomes harmful when you’re focused on defending yourself from attack rather than on solving the problem that would help the relationship overcome the obstacle. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you are ensuring you’ll experience more of the same because you’re failing to put your energy toward the one thing that will prevent the pain and suffering: finding solutions to help you learn how to save your relationship.

Years ago, Tony Robbins would take a two-lane isolated highway lined only by power line posts at 10–20-yard intervals. One of these, along a particular snake-like section of the road, seemed to be perpetually decorated by flowers, candles and photographs memorializing and honouring the lives of traffic victims who had hit the post. With so much space on either side of the post, it was amazing how many people had died or been injured hitting it. Why didn’t the victim evade it? Why didn’t they swerve to either side?

It’s because people would focus all their attention on not hitting the pole. But, our focus determines our direction. If we don’t want to hit the pole, we need to focus on what we want: steer the car toward either side of the pole. By changing our focus, we can change the result. The lesson applies to your relationship. If you focus on where you don’t want your relationship to end up, fighting and letting anger build over, you’ll find yourself where you don’t want to be – either in a painful, unfulfilling relationship or separated from your partner altogether. If you focus on resolving conflict and growing together, you’ll be focused on the outcomes that you do want and you’ll achieve them. That is, envision yourself communicating well with your partner. The two of you are fulfilled and happy with one another and have the tools you need to create a beautiful, passionate, long-lasting relationship.

By switching perspective and focus, you can turn conflict from something bad into an opportunity to take your relationship to the next level. This demands intent, which you set ahead of time and practice at the moment. You learn to respond not with escalation, but with constructive steps that shore up the foundation of your relationship.