Friday April 20th 2018 was one of the worst days of my life. A very close friend of mine lost her 27 year-old daughter the same day she was burying her 98 year old father. We had all gathered to celebrate the life of a wonderful man who had spent all his life raising generations of teachers. What was meant to be a joyous occasion turned into an unspeakable tragedy when my friend’s daughter died suddenly after suffering a ruptured brain aneurysm. It was the kind of day that shook people’s faith to the core, a day when we all kept pinching ourselves to see if we would wake up from the nightmare. I feel so helpless watching my friend suffer so intensely. The least I can do is share a few words with my dear sister and friend.
My darling sister, I don’t know if I am going to be able to make any sense but I will try anyway. There are no words to describe what you are going through right now. I know there is nothing I can say to comfort you, so I am not going to try. I am also not going to tell you not to be sad, to take heart or to stop crying. What has happened to you is the worst nightmare of any parent. As if the tragedy of losing a beautiful young woman so suddenly was not bad enough, the fact that it happened the day you were burying your father is too much to bear. As I sat with you and other friends staring at the lifeless body of your first-born child, I felt a sense of hopelessness and helplessness I have never felt before. I know we have said all kinds of things to comfort you, to hold you up and pull you from the darkness we all know you feel surrounding you. What I am writing to you now, I have shared with you in private. However, I want to share this publicly so that others who have experienced such a devastating tragedy and truly know what it feels like can reach out to you through their thoughts and prayers, even if they have never met you.
The only thing I want to do is appeal to you not to lose your faith. Through faith we have hope. With hope we can overcome and see the light at the end of the very long tunnel. Some things in this cruel world make no sense and the loss of your beloved daughter is one of them. Even as you feel your whole world collapsing around you right now, please know that you are surrounded by people who love you and will be there for you. You might feel you are alone when you are left with your thoughts and deep personal agony. I can’t tell you not to despair. I can’t tell you not to feel pain.
In fact, all these things are crucial for your grieving and healing process. It is going to be a very long and painful journey, one which I know you will be on till you draw your last breath. I am therefore begging you my sister, when you feel sad, remember the moments Dolapo gave you joy. When you are angry with the sheer wickedness of this world, remember her gentle spirit and the pride you took in all her achievements. And each time you remember what you shared I want you to smile, mentally at first, then as time goes on your smiles will become laughter again. When you look into the faces of Dolapo’s two sisters, I want you to always know she lives on through them. We all go through life scared of losing one thing or the other. We fear the loss of loved ones, livelihoods, material things.
On Friday, when we were in the hospital, as I took off the head-tie that had been so carefully layered on my head as well as my jewellery, you told me to stop and I shook my head. At that moment as I was removing all those things I was doing it because I wanted to acknowledge that we own absolutely nothing in this world. Our houses can get burnt or washed away by floods, our material possessions get stolen, we gain or lose positions. Spouses might leave or pass away. Our children are loans from God, and we go through life hoping that we leave first before the loans get called in. No matter how bad things are now, things will be better for you someday my sister.
Oh Lord our God, please comfort my sister
Let her not regret serving you all her life
Let her not have cause to doubt you exist
Please bless all those who are in pain at this moment
Please let them feel your light and the warmth of your spirit
I apologise to all my readers if you have found this space very sad today. Please bear with me. Kindly reach out to anyone who you know has experienced something very sad recently. You don’t have to let them know why you are reaching out, just let them know you are thinking of them and you wish them well. May our days of happiness and joy far exceed our days of mourning and sorrow.
Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com
16 Responses
So pathetic. The comforter will comfort her. We morn with her and we will also pray for her.
These kinda things make one speechless, no matter how eloquent you are. It’s sad and just sad and there’s no real word for comfort or explanation. Our lord and father, please be with this mother and console her and let her never know another of this kinda loss in her lifetime again. Please Lord!
There’s is nothing else left to say, but to share our heart with this mother in prayer. May God be with her and the entire family and help them through this incredible loss.
What a sad news. There is no great pain like the pain of a parent losing a child. it is pathetic and I pray this woman finds the fortitude to bear this loss.
Jeeezzzzzzzzzz! I am so sorry for this loss Erelu. This is so sad! How can one begin to console this woman now? I don’t understand what someone can say? But brain Aneurysm is the deadliest thing ever. I pray this woman will get consoled by the comforter himself.
I screamed as I read this post. This is very pathetic! There are definitely no words at all. No words! May God help this family.
So sad, especially losing your child. I pray that God comforts her and give her strength to carry on. Thank you Ma for sharing.
This is painfully pathetic o. But I will advise that she doesn’t lock her emotions up, she should be allowed to cry when she wants to, she should be allowed to talk when she wants to and also, people shouldn’t leave her alone for now. Everyone that really cares should surround her. May the lord comfort the family.
Oh my God! What is really happening, that was how a friend lost her younger sister just last week. Why are youths just dying like this? I feel so sorry for this family especially the mum here, only God can console her o. This journey doesn’t disappear in a day or a year. I hope she gets the strength to move on and she shouldn’t be left alone for now. Please!
Only someone who has been in her shoes can understand what she feels right now. When my colleague lost her baby, the baby died a day to the christening, It was like hell was unleashed. We were so scared to even approach because she kept calling the names the baby would have been called on the very day she was supposed to be christened. We couldn’t look her in the eyes, we were all emotionally drained and words failed us that day. I understand what it means to be failed by words and I also know that this day doesn’t cease easily in the memory of everyone but I know just like I prayed for my Colleague that day, I pray that this woman will have the courage to take a Leap of Faith and Live life again. I am so sorry for this loss Erelu BamBam, please, send my love to your friend.
What a sad day, How can one bury a 98 year old and then lose a 27 year old? Life is totally cruel and unfair. I don’t even know how to describe this but all this orisirisi sicknesses are just devil’s plans to take people away untimely. Haha! I pray God heal the wounds of this woman, only God can minister comfort to her.
So sad. Dear woman,
I don’t know you but because you are our family here, this is dear to us.
I pray that you will receive strength
I pray that such will never happen again
Please, live again for your daughter believes in your strength
Please, live again for we know your story will impact lives
Please, be strong for your daughters
Please, allow the tears drop when they want…
My God will strengthen you
Ask him all the questions in your heart and in your head
He will explain all to you.
We will understand this better, by and by.
Mummy Erelu, It’s well with you.
This is just so sad..My heart is with the mum. No word or expression can describe the feeling she is going through.
I pray God grants her the fortitude to bear this irreplaceable loss.
What a tragedy…
May her gentle soul rest in peace.
I don’t even know what to say, indeed there are no words. May God help this family and comfort them. This is painful, really painful.
Seriously, you may attack me but I just feel these are the evil supernatural powers at work. Haba! How can such a thing happen on a day like this, to an innocent child? I hope this woman finds strength to move on. Its so sad!
Oh Lawwwdddd! I saw the picture of this beautiful girl on the post on facebook and it broke my heart. The question is why? Why would such a thing happen but who are we to question God. I remembered a family friend lost her child, Jeez! It was pathetic and we just couldn’t fathom it. it’s been over 10 years now and this woman has been able to relive the memories of her daughter by living to be healthy and helping other women. I know God will grant the mother of this child grace to live again. Adieu young Champ.