Kai! Who will save the marriage institution from collapse? I recently joined some married women on Whatsapp for discussions on what men want. I was invited by the groups administrator, at first, I declined the invitation as I was reluctant to discuss the topic knowing fully well that men’s needs or wants are relative. I was also hesitant because I do not want to say things that would upset group members as sometimes I tend to be too plain on some issues as it relates to marriage. In the end I summoned the courage to join over 50 married women that are members of this group to discuss the topic in question.

So really, what do men want? Do I know? Generically speaking men want respect, sex, god food, space, industrious, intelligent, courageous and God-fearing women among other things. Women also want all of this in men. None of us want the negatives. The question that then arise is, if as men and women we want this, are we giving it? This is not my focus today, apologies for digressing.

As we advanced in our conversation on the group, one woman asked: “What should you do, if every month you give your husband your salary and, on your knees, out of respect and he is still not appreciative of your gestures?’’ At first, I said to myself where were these kinds of women when I was looking for a wife? I thought they were “extinct”, or that they existed in the WAKANDA kingdom, alas! I was wrong. How could I have answered this question? It is complicated and since I didn’t have all the information I decided to pretend I didn’t see the question.

I focused on other chats and was responding to those. Then the woman asked politely please answer my question. At that point I became jittery and was already reading my Psalms—‘’The Lord is my shepherd’’, the moderator was also worried for me, she sent me a private message asking if I can cope. For seconds I was weak. I was weak not because I do not know what to say but I am being careful not to rush into conclusions and to be balanced as much as I can. This is a chat session, I must choose my words carefully in ways that clearly convey my thoughts. And by the way these women are professionals–business execs, entrepreneurs and in the medical, legal and accounting profession etc.

As I was gathering back my confidence, I heard the whisper ‘you don enter am today, in the last 3 weeks you have been attending women only events as a speaker, blessed are you amongst women, but this one don hook you for neck’’. Olopa ewo ni ti epe now a mun ni n je a mu ni (Police officer, agreed you have arrested me for an offence, why curse me) I said to myself.  To get the full picture I asked the woman, when you give your salary to him? Do you think there are some things you do that he doesn’t like, and have you asked him? In response she said yes but that the man would say “ask yourself what you have done”.

At this point all the plugs in my head were already burnt, the fuse has melted and the wires already smoking. I was already saying to myself iru okunrin wo ni eleyi (What kind of man is this?). As I was about calling fire services in case of a fire outbreak, I decided to ask another question: ‘’how do you react when he raises things he doesn’t like about you?”. Then there was long silence. I broke the silence by saying: “as men and women we have to tolerate one and other and to find ways of accommodating our individual weaknesses”. Marriages can never be perfect as we are all imperfect.

On the issue of respect one woman asked rhetorically, I feed the man, I clothe him and yet he still wants me to respect him? As I was scratching my head to think of what to say and before I could type my response another woman noted: ‘it’s going to be difficult’. Ki lo n sele gan gan (what is happening), ati ni problem o (we have a problem), respect is reciprocal I agree but is respect attached to financial capability? are we men this bad? What exactly do we want as men? Are there things we are doing right as men?  What do women want too? Are women not doing unto men bad things either?

“My own dey my body jare!” “Let me come and be going”. Your thoughts are welcomed.