Have you ever started or stoked up a fire? You use kindling. And the smallest spark can eventually become a roaring blaze. Once that blaze is going, you maintain it and it stays strong — or it dies out.

If you want to add passion back into your relationship, you need some emotional kindling. Small steps applied over time in your relationship can lead to massive changes.

1. Use your relationship polarity to your advantage.

Having things in common with your partner is wonderful, but opposites attract. Think back to when you first met. Remember your own natural energy and nurture it; your partner was and is attracted to you in your natural state. Your natural energy and your partner’s work in a wonderful, balanced way when neither of you suppress your true self.

2. Be physical to help intimacy grow.

When times are tough, many of us have trouble being physical with our partner. This is especially true when sex is a contentious issue in the relationship. If you find yourself being less physical with your partner to punish them, avoid sex or for any other reason, address that immediately.

Affectionate physical contact, whether sexual or not, gives you the natural high your body’s hormones produce. Remember to touch your partner. Give the one you love a reassuring caress, a hug or just a squeeze of the hand that says, “I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.”

3. Innovate and give the relationship your best effort.

When you and your partner were just starting out, you wanted to show the very best side of yourself. You consistently thought about ways to make your partner feel special. When did that stop?

Your relationship works the exact same way. Remember what you did to win your partner over. Understand that your connection will continue to strengthen and deepen if you innovate and make extraordinary efforts.

4. Use your voice as a powerful tool for building intimacy.

Your own words have incredible power. They can build your partner and your relationship up, or tear them both down. In many painful settings there is no “right thing” to say; you just need to be genuine.

Use heartfelt words. Remember to say things like “I love you,” “thank you,” and “I miss you.” Said with genuine emotion, these little things make tough times easier and all you to build trust.

5. Defuse conflict with fun.

Never avoid conflict just because you’re afraid. Instead, address the problem before it gets out of control — but make it fun. When you were in high school you probably felt the world was about to end more than once. But as an adult, you probably look back and laugh at your “insurmountable” problems.

When you find yourself descending into a fight with your partner, fast forward to the laughing part. Don’t avoid the issue, clothe it with humor. Try getting angry about the problem while doing the a ridiculous dance. Once you start laughing — and you will — you can learn to connect your partner to happier emotions even when there’s a conflict.