Family quarrels are bitter things…They’re not like aches or wounds, they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Holidays such as Christmas and possibly Easter are a couple of the main times in the year when families get together. This is also the time when dysfunctions experienced in the families often leading to estrangement of family members are brought to the fore with all the attending emotions.

Family estrangement is the physical distancing and loss of affection between members, often due to intense conflict or ongoing disagreement. There is an incredible pressure and tension that is put on family relations when family members hold grudges that they refuse to resolve.

As someone who holds family connections and attachments very dearly, I am always stunned when I talk to people who say they have decidedly not spoken to siblings or other family relations for several years. I generally tend to ask them if they remember what the original argument was about and how would they feel if the person died. They usually don’t seem to have answers to both questions, which I think is quite telling.

I was talking to a very dear friend a short while ago and I casually asked (as you do) how her parents and siblings were. I really didn’t think anything of it as these are normal pleasantries that you engage in when you talk to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Much to my shock and horror my friend said she had not spoken to her sister in a couple of years and she recently had gone to war with her brother because he wouldn’t take her side in the dispute she was having with her sister.

What was even more shocking was that my friend had just heard from her brother that her sister’s son had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. In my mind that was a game changer and should have wiped the slate clean…I mean all bets are off on that! I figured that should have sent my friend running to her sister to comfort her and just be family coming together in a crisis.  This is the time to try to cast a different eye on the person you feel has hurt you, to try to look at your relation as a human being who has made mistakes like you or anyone else; a person who is growing and learning like you. This is the time to try to focus on your relative’s humanness rather than the situation that created the estrangement (if you can even remember it accurately).

My friend had a different take on things, and this was what almost drove me crazy with incomprehension, partly due to our ridiculous adherence to bizzare cultural norms and partly at man’s determination to create unnecessary pain in their lives.

My friend was concerned that she would be accused of causing her nephew to be stricken with the illness and also she was still holding on to the original grudge with her sister. I have also noticed that over the years the truth and facts of the original conflict wildly changes.

Putting on my therapist hat, it was quite obvious to me that underneath all that gibberish my friend was dressing up as rational thinking, was someone who was afraid of being rejected by her sister and a whole lot of feelings of guilt at what was happening in her sister’s life. Besides how arrogant can you be to even contemplate you have the power to cause illness of such magnitude. It would be completely comical if it wasn’t so nonsensical but guess what people buy into all that crap which allows for the masking of real emotions and lost opportunities to engage in real intimacy and open honest communication.

Forgiving a family member does not mean that you agree with what they have done, but it does mean that you have decided to take a righteous position and you have decided not to hold on to it anymore. There is true freedom in forgiving.

Family members sometimes try to manage their unresolved emotional issues with one another by reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with them in order to reduce their own anxieties. This type of distancing can happen on a physical level, by refusing to see them or on a more interactive level, such as avoiding conversation and managing the relationship through one’s behaviour and manner of communication.

When someone has an estranged relationship with a family member, the question is often whether the distance they place between themselves and their family member is due to healthy boundaries (some relationships can be toxic and one is better served to end them), or instead due to an unresolved emotional detachment.

When a relationship with a family member is not healthy for whatever reason, the person affected has every right to stop interacting. After all no one would advocate having to tolerate any unacceptable behaviour just because you are related.

Why are so many family members not speaking to each other these days? Some people may choose to cut off family members as a result of religious beliefs, conflict, betrayal, addiction, mental illness or some unhealthy behaviour. Latent and unspoken reasons are usually the core reasons for family estrangement.

If I had to isolate the common thread in most situations, I’d have to say it’s because of intolerance. Intolerance is usually the root cause of family fights that leads to rifts. By this I mean a prejudice toward differing points of views, small mindedness when it comes to giving up a grudge, or pettiness and nastiness about forgiveness. Sometimes we just have to ask ourselves if we want to be right or want to be happy (sadly I know for some people being right will come first, so they remain miserable but tell themselves they are sticking to their principles!).

The drama of family members going off speaking terms generally revolves around long term lack of communication with a family member. Often, it is difficult to find the words to express or explain important issues, particularly if a family has a history of poor communication with one another. When people cannot use words, they resort to actions that symbolise the intensity of their emotions about a particular issue such as severing ties with one another.

Lifelong unresolved issues of competition, sibling rivalry, poor self esteem, feelings of deprivation, rejection and other central psychological problems which when left unresolved, wreak havoc on people’s lives; can lead to the eventual estrangement of family members.

The drama of family estrangement is not actually about any one given incident, rather an accumulation of negative feelings and lack of communication. The drama is of a life long nature and for many, becoming estranged is the final scene. It is a highly dysfunctional method of coping, but the subplot and scenes of the drama exist in each players mind and memories

Living with a family estrangement is extremely painful and can be debilitating, but all healing starts from within. The most important reconciliation is the one that you make with yourself. When you feel good about yourself and the ways in which you relate to others and are at peace with your spiritual self, then you know all is well and it will be okay whether or not your family speak to you.

Gloria Ogunbadejo writes a weekly column for Punch Newspaper. She is a Psychotherapist, a life coach, a holistic counsellor and an ordained Minister.

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