When Elhan moved to Washington, D.C. from Somalia, the United States was not at war with Iraq and Afghanistan and the Twin Towers still dominated the New York skyline. But just a few weeks later, on September 11, 2001, everything changed. Overnight, “Muslim” became a dirty word—and Elhan became “Amy.”
With this one day of terror, the nation’s attitudes toward followers of Islam went from fairly neutral to vitriolic, after the perpetrators of the most deadly terrorist attack on U.S. soil were revealed to be Muslim. Elhan, a high school freshman at the time, could see the change happening before her eyes.
That’s when she decided that in public she’d be “Amy,” a normal American teenager.
For the next 15 years, Amy would go to school, hang out with her friends, and go to parties, never letting on that she was deeply attached to her religion. When she wasn’t at school, though, she was at her mosque, where she prayed regularly and engaged with a close-knit community as Elhan. Never did these two lives meet, she said—not even any close calls.
That all changed earlier this year, however, when Elhan finally worked up the courage to come clean to her friends about her double life—and the entire world.
“It felt like a very heavy rock was on my chest. I just didn’t know how to get out of it,” Elhan, now 32, told me in a phone conversation last week. “I was stuck. I got so used to it being my daily routine and it became a normal thing to be ‘Amy’ once I was outside the door.”
Not only did Elhan decide she was going to finally share her secret, but she elected to do it on the season two premiere of the Pivot network docu-series Secret Life of Americans. Each week on the show, a different subject reveals something personal they’ve been hiding from loved ones. On Friday’s episode, viewers follow Elhan on her self-filmed journey toward revealing her religious, Muslim self to her friends—and her secular identity as “Amy” to her family.
“My whole adult life, I’ve been living in fear,” she tells the camera, set in selfie mode. “Fear of rejection from society. Fear of being labeled as a terrorist. Fear that someone might hurt me because I’m Muslim. That fear is still there.”
While not all Muslims go to the lengths Elhan did to hide their religious identity, her story provides a vivid example of the conflict many Muslims feel in simply navigating daily life in this country. In the years since 9/11, racial tensions have arguably gotten worse, not better. This climate of intolerance has forced many, like Elhan, to hide in shame. But perhaps leading by example will encourage others to come out from the shadow of hate.
In the days following 9/11, Elhan made a few practical decisions that would affect her life and identity for the decade-and-a-half to come: She asked school administrators to officially address her as Amy and she began changing out of her traditional garments and into jeans and t-shirts before school. Once she began hearing mean-spirited jokes in the wake of 9/11, including insults about how Muslims look and dress, she became convinced this superficial assimilation was the only way to live a peaceful existence in this country.
“It’s not like I had two different personalities,” she tells me. “I was still the same girl.” But one of those girls—the real her—was only seen within the safety of her home and at her mosque. It was never a question of her commitment or love of her faith, but rather a paralyzing fear that left her, and so many like her, she says, feeling like she would be put in harm’s way by simply being herself.
This fear was not unfounded. According to 2015 numbers from the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reports program, the county has seen five times more annual hate crimes against Muslims since 9/11. The group estimates that 100 to 150 have occurred per year, in contrast with 20 to 30 per year before the attacks.
“My whole adult life, I’ve been living in fear,” she tells the camera, set in selfie mode. “Fear of rejection from society. Fear of being labeled as a terrorist. Fear that someone might hurt me because I’m Muslim. That fear is still there.”
Despite these discouraging odds, earlier this year Elhan took the bold step of embracing her religion and lifestyle in public after the big reveal to her family and friends. She’d been contemplating it for the past few years since being diagnosed with relapsing Multiple Sclerosis and realized the stress of concealing her true identity was not only bad for her emotionally, but also bad for her health. These days, she can once again be seen everywhere she goes donning the headscarf and traditional garment she had worn in Somalia, from her regular Starbucks to the gas station and over to her friend’s places. As far as she’s concerned, the hardest part about “coming out” as Muslim is over, which was telling her friends. Before she told them, she feared that not only would they not accept her because of her religion but, above all, they’d be angry she lied to them for all of these years.
When she finally told them, tears streaming down her face, they understandably had some questions. “Why didn’t you tell us before?” “How have you been able to party with us when Muslims don’t drink?”—a common misconception. But she says that since the initial shock wore off, they’ve all been accepting and supportive. It’s other Americans that still need some he
“It’s been really disappointing. It’s sad. It just makes me wonder if there’s gonna be a day that I might have to wear something [government issued] that represents I’m Muslim,” she said, . “With [Trump’s] comments, it reminds me so much of the beginning of a new era…How do you function when you’re afraid you might have to be kicked out of your home?”
Earlier this year, President Obama visited a mosque for the first time during his presidency. It was a seminal moment for the progressive leader (who has often been called a Muslim as a slur), and Elhan watched in amazement as the president delivered a speech just up the beltway in Baltimore, directly addressing Muslim Americans.