LOUD WHISPERS : Living Dangerously
Last year, during the COVID19 lockdowns, I got a call from an NGO working with young people in Nigeria. Someone had contacted them to draw attention to the plight of a female student in a tertiary institution who was being blackmailed by one of her classmates. She had been manipulated into sending nude images of herself, with the aim of being considered pretty enough to enter into a beauty contest. As soon as she sent the photographs, the blackmail started. She got so distraught that she attempted suicide. I was contacted because the female student is in one of our tertiary institutions in Ekiti State. Thanks to the cooperation of the school authorities, the classmate concerned and his cohorts were arrested. Everyone who heard about the case asked the question, ‘Why did she send her nude photographs in the first place?’. As I was discussing this case with my team, I was informed that one of the teenage girls in my care (she is fifteen) is being pressurized by a boy in her school to send nude images of herself. Apparently, demanding and sending nude pictures is a thing with teenagers and young adults these days.
In March, as part of activities to commemorate International Women’s Day, I hosted an interactive forum with approximately 25 girls in Junior and Senior Secondary Schools across Ekiti State. Their ages ranged from 13-16. I encouraged the girls to ask any questions they wanted. One of them put up her hand and asked, ‘Some of my friends say it is not cool to be a virgin. Is it true?’. I almost fell off my chair. It is a good thing that over the years I have learnt how to do put on a fairly decent ‘poker face’. The COVID19 mask wearing has also helped a great deal. I could not believe my ears. Squirming and trying to keep a straight face, I proceeded to give a brief lecture on the merits of being yourself and having self-esteem and not being railroaded into things you are not ready for, the usual Mummy/Grandma talk.
When I was their age, I would never have dreamt of asking an adult that question, that is if I even understood the question in the first place. Now, even though I am grateful that we live in more open times when we can address issues of sex and sexuality with adolescents more honestly, I was still taken aback to learn that some girls of that age now consider it ‘uncool’ to be a virgin. My mind went back to the cases of the nude photos. I kept having all kinds of debates with myself after the event, questioning my hypocrisy and middle-age prudishness, things that ought to be alien to my feminist politics. I still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was not right. Girls of that age can have crushes, flirt with boys, send illicit messages, steal the odd kiss, but to think being a virgin at that age is not ‘cool’ and put pressure on their peers? To think that the only way you can be popular and liked by boys is to send your nude photographs? No, I don’t get that.
My sense of unease with what is going on with our girls got worse when the case of Chidinma Ojukwu happened. She is a suspect in the gruesome murder of the late Michael Ataga. What started out as a consensual, transactional encounter ended in tragedy. The courts will decide if Chidinma is a villain or victim. What I do know is that there are many more like her out there, and if they continue with what they are doing, they will meet the same fate. They usually start out by being told it is okay to start having sex and doing drugs even when that is supposed to be the least of their priorities. As if this was not bad enough, recently we saw footage of a nine-year old girl deliberately setting the Ebeano Supermarket in Abuja on fire. Did she really know what she was doing? Did she think it was a joke? Was she sent by someone or some people to do it? She and whoever is responsible for her will have to answer those questions.
There is a dark world out there, alien to many of us but very familiar to our children and grandchildren. A world in which young girls are targeted and all their insecurities are preyed on to make them caricatures of themselves, leaving them helpless, hopeless and even suicidal. A world of sex, drugs, pornography, easy money, male predators, enablers and all the ingredients of life on the fast lane. Thanks to social media, we are also seeing the disintegration of young women before our very eyes. The girl who posted a T. Shirt proclaiming ‘Malpractice got me here’ is now facing the music at the University she is supposed to be graduating from. The ‘Video Vixen’ (her own words) who took an Uber to her boyfriend’s house but did not have the N2,000 fare on her. She was expecting her boyfriend to pay but he was not picking her calls. So, she was stranded in the Uber with no money to pay and at the mercy of the increasingly irate Uber driver and the curious passers by who started to record her plight. The endless stream of young women openly clamouring for ‘Kayanmata’ to entrap rich lovers. I have no problem with young women (or women of any age) enjoying sex and celebrating their sexuality and purchasing any range of products that can deliver maximum satisfaction. What makes no sense to me is investing in a ‘silky vagina’ in order to land a new car to be used for ‘Pepper Dem’, as opposed to investing in an education or skill that is more sustainable long-term.
The patriarchal world we live in does not forgive the sins of women and girls the same way it does for men and boys. We need four eyes to watch our children, two in front and two at the back of our heads. Please do not be that parent who says ‘My daughter can never do that’. NEVER say that. Just be watchful. As long as your daughter is a minor, you have the right to be a ‘monitoring spirit’. Monitor her phone, tablet, laptop, anything she uses to communicate. For those who have older girls, if they are under your roof, they have to live by your rules. Listen to your daughters. Talk to them. Make them feel safe. Let them ask questions, even if it makes you squirm like I did. It is a good thing, at least they trust you, that is why they are asking what you might think are abominable questions. Be there for them. Show them all the pot-holes of life but be prepared to catch them when they fall. If you don’t, others will step in. Teach them to be proud of their bodies and never sell themselves short. Be careful how you introduce/expose your daughters to male friends or colleagues. It is a really rough world out there. Scary things are happening, especially with girls. A lot of our daughters are living dangerously, due to a range of circumstances usually beyond their control. As parents, all we can do is our best, but know that there are more forces out there struggling to undo our hard work. These are supposed to be the best of times for Nigerian women and girls. We have wonderful women leaders and role models in politics, banking, global institutions, academia and so on. Sadly, for every one of these great women we have thousands of girls at risk, and these girls are the future. We have a lot of work to do to close the gap.
Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and
Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women.
She is the First Lady of Ekiti State, and she can be reached at
BAF@abovewhispers.com
Rachael: 
Maryam: 
Fisolami: 
Peer pressure has really done more harm than good to young girls of this generation. Women have been brainwashed to believe they need men validation for survival and that is why most of them can go to any length to do anything to please a man. Sometimes they do it to compete even with their fellow girls. A lady can do anything with her body just to own the latest car, wear trendy clothes and Even have the latest phone just to pepper fellow girls. Some parents on the other hand has failed in bringing up a child at a tender stage and before they realize it, peer pressure have led them on and whatever the parents does then is considered ‘trash’ some parents are so mean and rigid to their children, some are over religious and some are just totally ignorant on how to bring up children in the right way. Even some that did their best in bringing up their children well ends up losing them to peer group and social media lifestyles. All in all, parents and those in position to bring up a girl child in the right way should keep on putting in their best and leave the rest to God.
I believe the world is drastically depreciating in values for real.while I was growing up there are some acts I can’t put up but these days teenagers sees it as nothing.
A fight or a stand to correct this social vices is necessary.
And it should start now from those of us who have the golden voice should harness it let out voices be heard as to strongly savage our girls from the so called thing called modernity
Nawaa oooo. Females should more careful these days especially when it comes to sending out your photos not to talk of NUDE. Things are really happening. God help us
This is amazingly amazing…You’ve said it all ma…Thanks for this advise…
Honestly what young girls of this generation are turning to is something else, They’re desperate,they really want to have it all and belong in the so called (High class babes)….And it’s scary…Some parents are the cause of the misbehavior of their girl child… There’s this woman I know who has a girl child schooling in the university of Imo state, she’s about 20 years… Every 2weeks she do send money to her mother,And the mother in question don’t care what her her daughter does to earn such money,A student for that matter Now tell me who’s is deceiving who …Of course her mother…. Training a girl child is not easy but give her your attention and monitor every of her foot steps,if she’s not close to you, always call her and give her your motherly advise,pray for her and show her the right way to follow…The Bible says train up a child in the way he should grow… He will never depart from it when he’s old…I know is not an easy task…May God strengthen we mothers to take proper care of our children..Amen
The world a s becoming something else but this is when every woman should bring our her wrapper and shield every girl child out there. I don’t want to know if it’s your biological child or not,give a girl child your listening ear so that we can build a safe world for our girl.child.
Seriously this is why we parent should out more effort in our kids ,teach Dem sex Education ,gone are those days when parent shy away from things like this, teenagers this days think not been a virgin and knowing what’s up will attract them to boys ,and that is wrong,.. dignity should be a girls first priority,..mother’s should get close to their daughters and teach them the right part ,it’s not easy to bring up a girl child but we keep doing our best ..
Big mummy you’ve said it all …nice on ma
Hmmmmnn, I pray may God lead us through to the right part.
But to me, the most important work is in the mother hand, As a mother of children of this Computerised world we are now, and with all serious experiences we have been seeing all around.
All these that is happening now don’t just started, it has been happening before, just that the darkness and off no social media things of old days then, doesn’t allow it to show openly.
If both parent can work hands to hands in one voice, at least we will be able to Conquer this 85% in our Organization.
What do we expect when a Father will be sending his child to his Girlfriend house, Or a Mother sending her child to Manfriend house.
Or A woman bringing Manfriend home during her husband absence and while the kids at home and will even be telling them if not for the sake of this man, there shouldn’t have been what to eat.
Or should we even talk about both parent that will be watching Sex film in presence of their kids, Or the parent that will even see Sex film on their kids phone and still encourage them to Sha be careful of the one to sleep with despite the child might still be at younger age, So many faults in the parents hands that makes things like that rampant in our environment.
If we can monitor all dis aspect, and know the kind of friends our children move with, Monitor them, Check on them in school or working place without Notifying them, Check their phone and know the kind of App they stored on phone.
And be a parent that will give a listening ears to your kids to hear some things you don’t know from them,
For they are brave and wiser than us.
I could remember sometime ago at my younger age like I think like age 10/11 when a particular man always blocked me at a particular corner leads to my mummy shop by holding my hand to a particular place there and be telling me to hold his dick, while he will roll a cloth on the floor which in Yoruba called “Oshuká” and tells me to kneel on it and be sucking his dick, I always feel reluctant to do dis and I can’t shout, as I will only be seeing him in front of me but can’t do what he asked me, whenever this man blocked me I do feel like telling my mum, but is unfortunately for me to always see my mum happiness, As she so strict and so harsh, this thing always bothered my mind and which I have to go an tell and narrated everything to an elderly woman around our area there the day I saw the man passing that leads to a serious issue then, to be continued next time.
So if we parent can monitor all dis above mentioned areas been mentioned earlier, and not taking their daughter to make money by sending them to Mr Honourable and Mr Otunba, which their kids will wants to fall in love with the child due to his/her father money or power, and which Mama daughter will be like wo ooh my daughter/Son, this is a great opportunity for us oo in other for the parent to be blessing us, So if we can monitor all dis aspects and let them know sex is a valuable thing that shouldn’t just happened in time not valuable, then loosing Viginity will be something Valuable to our kids.
May God help these our generations at large the solution to these problems I think is from peer group and also the environment we found our self now. And more so parent has a vital role to play in the life of there children if only we would be able to speak to them make them our friends only then can we know there in and out and also choose the friends they mingle with by so doing we would be able to understand what is going on around them may God bless and help us to train our children to the right path Ameen.
Peer pressure is doing harm than good in the life of many teenagers …
That is why there are broken homes around us because influence of friends is leading many to unwanted pregnancy through that many hav married at early stage …
That is also cutting the dreams of many potential leaders short.
Ma, keep the Good work ..
Very Apt. These days, parents need not to be much more vigilant. Girls on the other hand needs to be more open more than ever before. Any one could fall victim.
All these falls back at parenting. Our parents need to go back to the drawing board. Sex education should start at home, but no! They won’t. They allow these children to go outside to get that knowledge because they think its unholy to talk about it.
Parents instill fear into their children and this is all shades of wrong. There’s a huge line between fear and respect. Your child can’t open up to you, your child keeps secrets from you. Your child is having sex under your nose.
If parenting is done right, sincerely the society would be an amazing place to live in.
May God help these generations of ours parent should choose who there children mingle with if not it might land us to bringing up wayward children. The solution now should be that parent should give there children a listening ears make them there friend then by so doing we would be able to know there in and out, more so environment and peer group also contribute to influencing our children negatively may God bless and help us in bringing our children upright in the way of thy lord. AMEEN.
Peer relationships provide a unique context in which children learn a range of critical social emotional skills such as empathy, cooperation, and problem-solving strategies. Peer relationships can also contribute negatively to social emotional development through bullying, exclusions, and deviant peer processes.
Sometimes the impact of peer pressure on teenagers is so bad that they can hardly stand to be in their own skin, are distanced from family and friends and become depressed and anxious. In such instances, teenagers could attempt self-harm or even dream of committing suicide, engage in suicidal thoughts and even ultimately engage in suicide.
Peer-pressure cannot be avoided and nor should children be wrapped in cotton wool and kept away like precious figurines. Recognize that your children are growing up, and allow them a limited amount of freedom and most important of all, always let them know that you love them and make them you will always be there to give them a listening ear and give answers to their questions. Being your child’s/ children’s friend can really help cut down the problem of peer pressure. Thank you!
Peer and societal pressure has put a lot of our teenagers and young adults into the wrong hands but I am grateful for our mummy and all the people trying to create a new world for us.
BE YOUR CHILD’S BEST FRIEND.. especially your girl child as a woman. You will be surprised at the vast knowledge these young teenagers have on adult contents. They learn from their corrupt friends and disseminate to others too. Let them learn from you, gist with them, crack jokes with them, ask teasing questions, let them know you won’t judge them and watch them open up to you.
I think parents should have a really long and open talk with their female children. Not just telling them not to do this but giving them reasons why they shouldn’t. CURIOSITY and PEER PRESSURE is what put young girls in situation that will be far from being handled nicely.
Young girls are being deceived this days all in the name of “You will be the one trending now”
Most of us would have love to hear and see dis when we were much younger.
#ThisGenerationEhn
Wat a world we are into today.wen educating d girls parents shld also educate their boys on d importance of abuse.telling a teenager to send her nude pics and later use it to blackmail her is very bad.we parents shld know d type of frnds our children keeps,know wia dey go and who dey go out wit.
This is disheartening honestly. Some of these issues sometimes comes from the parent. Parents this days don’t encourage hard work, they get easy ways for their children in academics which I believe is the primary cause for all these. You would think how does this relate, but you get my point at the end…
Parents nowadays are using their children’s success as a competition, they compare their children with their peers, they get jealous on behalf of their children and many More… I know of a woman who doesn’t want any other children to look more nice than her daughter, she got JSSC result for her in JSS2 just for her to get to SS1 before her mates and when she got to SS2, they still work a result for even though she is not intelligent. she buys expensive clothes, bags and shoes for her so dat she outstand her peers and mind you, they are still staying in room and parlour.. practically, she is worshipping dat girl. Now the annoying part is that she wants her to get married to a man with wife and kids, at the age of 19 probably for the money. This kind of girl now, would always use money to buy her way out of everything since she has been brought up with that Ideology and when the money is not coming, she will definitely look for it either by hook or crook.
I have heard a story of another woman that bcus her friends daughter age 16 or 17 who works in a bar has a boyfriend with a car, then starts going to that same bar bcus she wants her own daughter of dat same age to meet a guy with a care.
Career women who loves their work more than the families and leave their children at the mercy of house help or neighbors.
I know of a woman who work her daughter into a polytechnic and after her ND program, she still paid to clear the results as she was supposed to spill.
One thing I believe is that children learn by observing the things you do or say. Imagine girls of 21 who are already spoilt by their parents or older ones. Their younger ones will look up to them Nd want to imitate their lifestyles bcus they see it as normal.
This however come to my initial point about handwork. Young adults now are not used to it which is why they do things which they ought not to do and some parents see it as norms or civilization.
This is why I think it’s important that family life and sexuality seminar be held in primary and secondary schools at least once every session.
This is to enable every girl child to have opportunity to be well informed sexually since most of their parents are not literates, some do not know that it should be taught at a younger age, some do not have the proper information while some of our parents finds it hard to call those sensitive parts by their names not knowing that they already know what it’s all about.
NGO’s and government agencies concerned with the issues of girl child should involve these young girls too in tutoring others which will serve as an example to others(after the training, those that have better understanding of the topics studied, should be involved in the agencies).
I think also that schools should also include sex education included as one of the topics to discuss at every PTA gathering, through that, the parents will know the importance of educating their child/ward on the issues relating to sex.
I will not fail to say that most parents are more interested in their carrier thereby leaving their children to train themselves, let’s desist from that.
Some parents also do not make the atmosphere conducive for their children to confide in them.
You shut them down at every little opportunity, you don’t believe them, you don’t encourage their little efforts.
Peer pressure also contributes to all this as we see in the reported cases, which when the issue is tackled also at primary and secondary levels will minimize that of peer pressure.
These and more are the little little ways we can manage these issues relating to girl child sexuality
The problem of this generation is cause by most parents some parent don’t have time for there children if you ask they why they will say am working to provide for there needs yes but we must also create time for them, listen to them, know the kind of friends they move with, what they wear, where they go to sex education is very important we the parents should be our children confident not any family
You ave said it all ma. Its well with the female folks
Parents of these days should be open to their kids and not instill fear in them else they tend to keep things to themselves which is not helping
Parents need to be up and doing, they should make friends with their kids so they can always open up to them always. SEX EDUCATION IS ALSO PARAMONT, parents should start early. Parents should also help their children build their self confidence and self worth. Lastly parents should show their children the way of the lord, so that when they are away from them they will not depart from it.
May God help our children not to partake in this act in Jesus name amen.
This is an open time were Purity and chastity is termed abnormal by teens and Young adult. Immorality becomes Normal and iz not seen as a Sin . It is the century were you can’t be in a relationship an still try to save your Viginity. It iz the century were the internet has strong influence on teens . Most of our Celebrities dress exposing vital part of the body that is expected to be hidden. What lesson are they passing ?.
Teens and young adults see this and term it ” To belong you must emulate”..friends do lead their Friends into amoral things saying” You are not the first to do it, No man wants to Marry a vigin,if you want to dress like us you must do what we do.etc. Fake lives and love for Material things has turn Sin into Satisfaction/ Enjoyment.
Our Mothers should endeavor to drawback young girls who are falling into dangerous pit of sexual immorality. Talk to them and explain to them the dangers of sexual immorality.
NOTE:MY advise to My fellow gender, You mustn’t send nudes to become Rich, you mustn’t lose your viginity to become Famous. Live a life you won’t regret, Work hard even in the midst of difficulties and wait for Gods Blessings.
Hmmm… What an awesome talk,, How I wish this could be held as a program for our teenagTers even the youths Well.. all has been perfectly said….
The foundation of every good and decent Children is surely from HOME, As we all know charity begins from Home. The way they are been brought up, what their parents gets them involved in, the way they train them, are all very important,, Not that only,,,
I think parents should also involved their children religiously because I’m sure it’s only with God’s help they can cope, the parents should create this fear in them right from their child hood time, not every time should be a movie or game time, No! put them close to God and let them know such act is not just bad but a SIN to God while You should let them know the consequences of it also, Even they
themselves will teach their children the same way when they grow up,cus even bible said it
”Train up your child the way he should go…and he will never depart from it when he’s old”. Also it says.. “Train your child so they would give you rest”
No doubt…that was how I was been trained and brought up and yes I really can feel the impart of those teaching in my lifes… It’s actually from homethough it wasn’t easy for me then… But now I’m thankful for such a lovely and Godly parent.
Thanks so much ma for this, I hope it goes a very long way
Let’s loud it… The truth must be said because definitely this teenagers and youths are the leaders of tomorrow
You’re such a blessing to this generation… What a write up!!
I pray may God keep continue to bless u for this generation Amen!!!
We parent this day has a lot to do,not even concerning only the female child at all,both sex needs to be educated about this issues, we should also always create an atmosphere where our children won’t panic to talk to us ,especially about sensetive issues, just like you did schools also should be tour to talk to this pupils\students,also most of our schools this days has no counselling department again,all this should be look to,this kids are the great future we dream of,it shall be well with them .SALEM
There is still a long way to go and a lot that still needs to ne done. Young girls are really going through alot in this modern society as they are easily preyed on by wicked men or wrongly swayed and influenced. truly, there’s alot more we need to do, our society has to be better
Peer pressure is one of the most thing affecting the generation now. Then sex education should be introduce into the school curriculum.
Parents should not also relent in guiding the children and tutor them to the right path. Nowadays some parents don’t have much time for their children, they don’t know what is going on in their children lives, then are after works, business and money. It is not about sending them to school, provide foods, shelter and clothes o. They need our support and guidance in all their daily routine and activities. There is fire on the mountain. Let all parent girdle their selves more on looking after these children , supporting them ,asking them.question , knowing the kind of friends they mingle with.
Early sex education is very important from parents to their teenager.
Early sex education is very important from parents to their teenager.
May God see us through.
I saw a post somewhere that says, “NEXT GENERATION KIDS WILL BE BULLIED WITH THE HALF NAKED PICTURES OR VIDEOS OF THEIR PARENTS, MOST ESPECIALLY THEIR MOTHERS”, and I felt that word!!
I think parents should have a really long and open talk with their female children. Not just telling them not to do this but giving them reasons why they shouldn’t. CURIOSITY and PEER PRESSURE is what put young girls in situation that will be far from being handled nicely.
Young girls are being deceived this days all in the name of “You will be the one trending now”
Most of us would have love to hear and see dis when we were much younger.
#ThisGenerationEhn! WE PRAY FOR GTACE IN RAISING OUR KIDS
I’ve gone through most of the comments here, and I see a lot of people blaming the problem with our girls on their parents and peers (peer pressure). I disagree with you all on this. However, this is not to say parents and peer pressure are not part of the problem. But the major issue I think is exposing our young girls to this corrupt practices is POVERTY. I remember when I was in secondary school many years ago, a friend of mine was unable to pay her WAEC fees because her parents couldn’t raise the money This was not the only problem, this girl doesn’t bring lunch or money to school. During breaks She sits alone in the class while others are out to enjoy themselves. She shared her experience with me and told me how a lot of school guys have taken advantage of her situation because there was no one to help. At last I spoke with my dad about her and he agreed to take responsibility for her, which he did. Some of our girls were raised well, but they are pushed into corrupt practices because of extreme poverty. I pray God provide everything we need to care for our children so that they may not fall into the hands of predators.
Parents need to put eye on their kid’s, both sex not just d girl child, and they have to be thought about sexuality and immorality at a certain age , so as to know what to do when being approached by a hoodlum, and to be able to defend themselves before a help will come , teaching them d wrongs and write and d dangers they will be in if they refuses to speak out when being molested by one , always watch them closely know what they do and whom they keep as friends .
It is very important to know they kind of friends our kids keep and never expose them to pone movie’s ,
And we should encourage schools to always hold a seminar for them both junoir and secondary Schools ,they have to know about it all (sex)
Mostly pray for them and bring them closely to God .
We need more avenues to correct the wrong impression in the heart of our young ones. These questions will always come but we should also be ever ready to correct in love and supply needed counsel. Whatever platform you’ve got be it Religious or secular, just counsel right. I hearby say USE YOUR WRAPPER.
Social media has done and will do more harm than good all thanks to negligence on the side of the parents and peer influence.
We live in a computer age, fine, but that doesn’t mean that we should allow our children or wards to abuse the use of computers and other electronic gadgets and we ought to be sure that they are strictly monitored and controlled so that they get used to the bright and good side of the media and not the other way around.
Many teenagers in Nigeria today have access to porns all thanks to their personal Android phone, it all begins with social media where they might have come across of nude or half nude pictures and we all seem to be cool with it, nobody is talking about controlling the way and rate of nudes on the social media and we all have failed to realise that these children are more like a computer themselves; garbage in, gargabe out!
A rickety building should be renovated from the roof, it all should start from the very foundation it all begins with, I am still very optimistic that parents, general public and peer influence are the alibi to this menace that have sadly eaten deep into the bone marrows of the youths and sadly the teenagers too.
Wonderful one…..parent should let their children be their best friend , monitor them closely create more time for them….in their school sex education must be introduce and parent should guide at home
..also we parent should try to raise Godly children be Muslims, Christians and traditional worshippers….when dey knows the truth it will never depart from them….also we should always pray for them we can’t do I am alone…may God help us all