- I’ve changed. I’ve changed into someone who no longer exists to appease you. I’m no longer the fat girl who beats you to the fat joke. I’m not the fat girl who feels the shame others wish I felt. I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not here for love and light or to keep the peace you never wanted me to have.
It took finding a community of other fat folks and finding my joy to recognize my own dehumanization. When I was in it without any sense of self, all I could do was cope for survival. Food food food, sex, weed, running away, being alone, (all valid) pretending I didn’t feel the burden of existing in this body. Then society pointed fingers at me for binge eating, for being fat, deeming me less than, lazy. If I wasn’t visibly “bettering” myself to achieve acceptable standards of existing, my existence wasn’t justified.
This is exactly why fat shaming, fat phobic discrimination (healthcare, employment, everywhere) hurts more than what others think is killing me. It’s not my fat body bringing me down. It’s you. Judging it. Questioning it. Devaluing it. Shaming it. Demanding answers. Deciding my body mattered more than my mind and heart. Until my mental and emotional health were so impacted that my entire wellbeing shifted. Then I found my power and joy and the need to shame me remains and increases. Because I’m no longer your token fat girl. I lead with my sensuality. I take up space. I wear what I want. I’m sexual. I’m unashamed. I’m not justifying my existence for you. I’m not giving away my power AND I’m taking ALL my pleasure.
Lastly, I’m not your inspiration - I say with love. Like you, I change moment to moment. Like you, I find joy in the things that I love. Like you, I don’t have the answers. Like you, I want the freedom to be myself. There are many parts of me you don’t know, I don’t even know them.
- I’ve been following you for a while and I read your posts and learn from them. The one thing I can’t find an answer to in any of your comments and that I don’t understand is why you take offense to being called an inspiration? If someone admires the way you speak about your experiences and is inspired by that, what is the issue? Genuinely want to learn why, I would love some insight.
- I identify so much with this post in my journey right now. I’m loving myself more and more everyday and I’m changing as well. And if people don’t like the changed and evolved me then bye! ♥️
- @angieslit I’m fat. It’s not an insult. It’s a fact. There’s nothing wrong with being fat. So when I refer to myself that way, it’s not an insult but just a true statement of who I am. I’m not ashamed of being fat so there’s no reason to hide from the word. I’m not scared of being fat. I’m scared of being erased by people who are afraid of fat and want to wish it away. Nope. I’m fat and I’m here and I (mostly - sexism and homophobia can step off, and racism - in solidarity with my poc loves - can also fuck off) love my life, including the fat body that moves me through it.
- Thank you. I wasted decades despising myself for being fat. That self hatred permeated every facet of my life. I could never be sexual because I could never imagine anyone being attracted to the body that I despised. My hatred for my body led me to discount every accomplishment. I have three Masters. I have taught at many universities. But because I am fat I was a failure at life. I’m so glad that I stopped hating my body. SinceI stopped hating myself I feel no need to stifle my feelings of shame with binges.
- This really hit home with me. I had been at my job 11 yrs and had worked myself into being able to wear any hat. My boss, the Associate Director, passed away. The head boss, director, asked me if I would step in and fill the role of Associate Director until he could hire someone. I knew all aspects of the job and I had access to private and confidential documents. I did payroll, performance evaluations you name it. About 3 months into me being the temporary Associate Director, a new employee that had been there about a year, came in and told me the director offered her the position and wanted me to start training her immediately. I went to the Director and asked him if it was true that he offered her the position. He said, "Yes, I did. You know, if you lost 70 to 80 pounds you could really go places." @nolatrees I wanted to die at that very moment. I never wanted another morsel of food to touch my lips. From that moment forward, some sick part of me stayed employed there for two more years because I was going to prove him wrong. All I did was completely destroy my mental health. It became a quest to prove to him that I didn't need to eat to survive. On lunch break I would go in and sit with everyone and not eat a bite. I didn't want him to see me eat. What would he think? I even went to our formal Christmas party and sat at the table and never ate a single bite of my dinner I was forced to order. I was starving myself all day, then binging all night. I was so sick but I was going to prove him wrong. All i did was damage myself mentally and physically. He won. I'm still allowing him to win, 11 years later. If he thought that then what does everyone else think? I will never "go anywhere" at this weight. I still, to this day, limit myself and omit myself from participating in life because I can't "go anywhere or be anybody" unless I lose weight. So here I sit, agoraphobic, afraid of the public seeing me.
- I am seriously bawling. I have gotten into such a deep depression over the last 3 yrs that leaving the house =3 lorazapam, 60mg of CBD and a prayer of not having an anxiety attack because I don't want to look into anyone's eye or run into anyone who I used to know. I AM ashamed of my body. I don't feel good in my own skin. I see others who are happy with being themselves and I wish I could be there. I look in the mirror and cry. I don't feel pretty anymore. I feel old, achy, tierd, fat and ashamed. "Walk" they say, I don't want to leave my home. My anxiety is so real. It's taken everything I used to be from me. My weight is at an all time high. 225. I wish I could feel as you do. Alls I feel is completely alone and fuckin depressed. Thank you for sharing your story.
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