Recently I met 3 guys in their mid-twenties (graduates and running their second degrees) at an event as we got talking, this very beautiful lady in the same age bracket walked in and was looking towards us. Then I asked jokingly whose girl friend is this coming in and looking towards our direction? To my surprise the 3 went blank, as I was beginning to think I am not as old school after all and saying to myself it is my lucky day (my wife should not see this) one of the guys quipped “Argh this lady is too big for us o” Another said she is a big girl meant for adults. “They all fell my hand”.

If you have spoken to any lady within this age bracket (in this generation) it is not impossible to hear them complain that boys their generation are boring. Switch to guys they will wail about how the ladies are too big for them instead of facing their weaknesses they cook up stories of how the innocent lady has been following ‘big men” around town.

I am street wise—well I’d like to believe, I have seen guys 30years and above who can’t approach a lady. They are shy, sometimes the reason they are not married or that they marry the wrong person is because they can’t approach the right ladies that they do sincerely love and by the time they get the courage the lady is already hooked to someone else. Mobile phones and the internet have made matters worse. Boys just act nice without saying anything concrete and for months they keep chatting, seeing movies and eating out together before you know it both assume dating. God help the guy if no other charming guy comes into the picture if that happens what you hear the lady say is “I thought we were friends, you didn’t ask me out now?” Sometimes not all the heartbreaks claimed by our boys are caused by the girls—they are self-inflicted.

Flash back I remember how myself and a couple of friends will lock ourselves indoor rehearsing how to approach ladies. We will read James Hardley Chase novels for the purposes of learning big words (vocabularies) we can use to show our dexterity in the use of English language. Oh yes, we were at the literary and debating society and Jets club only to show off our intelligence. No lady was too beautiful or her dad and mom too rich for us not to approach. Oh how I remember my favorite by-line gleaned from God knows the name of the artist again “won’t you be suspicious if I ask of your name” that was an ice-breaker for me.

I once heard my Father saying to my mum that he doesn’t know I could “talk” to ladies. I feign been gentle just as your boys are pretending now. Thanks to the area brothers who sent us on love messages to girls. From going to tell them Uncle Lagbaja is calling you through to taking love letters and delivering birthday and valentine gifts by default some of us learnt how to approach girls.  Because we also knew what to say where, when and how though our parents were poor we didn’t let inferiority complex set in. We were bold because we had no gadgets to hide behind those who weren’t bold back then hid behind books. We had very limited TV time you don’t get to start watching until 4pm.

We have a national emergency at hand and let us be serious here. It is very easy to say at 25years guys and ladies should face their education, I agree 110% but then they also have emotions, one that needs to be properly managed so that they can “face their book” and not “Facebook” from morning till evening doing all the things that you don’t want to know including meeting up to act out all the bad things they have imagined and chatted about.

Fathers had better listen here, we are breeding weak boys who don’t know how to communicate with or be polite to a lady. We keep thinking the street can teach this. Well truth be told which Father calls his boy and say let me teach you how to approach girls that will be odd isn’t it? But alas some soft skills can be thought from home. Me thinks to curb the menace of violence against girls and women we need a radical approach to how we train our boys.

It is especially the role of Father’s, we can’t afford to let our boys become so weak with low esteem that they can’t start and hold a conversation with a girl without seeing them as sex objects or intimidating. There is the role Father-Son relationship can play here where both can discuss freely about issues as they affect men and women. Who says a daddy and son cannot gossip about women in a way that shapes the thinking of the young man as to how to respect and deal with the hormones incidental to youthfulness.

We will need to be deliberate about this. Certainly, a man who is barely available, who talks down on his wife, takes care of no responsibility at home, breads hot and cold such that he is not approachable cannot be said to possess what it takes to train a boy in the way he should go. We need Fathers who will identify their own weaknesses, strive to improve on them and then pass their new character to their sons- those Fathers who look in the mirror every morning and say to themselves I want to be a good example to my son(s) are the ones I am talking to here.

Good social skills are an important must have for boys—these are not taught in school—they are best delivered as a core-course at home. It comes with a good environment for communication not one where the boys are distracted by TV, computers, mobile phones or other gadgets. Conversations must be deliberate and targeted towards drawing out the young man. On family day outs watch how the young man relate with his peers, pay attention to how he treats girls and you will see how much this reflects how you treat his mom. Ofcourse if he watches TV a lot be careful he doesn’t act out the obscene scenes he has watched—”na one chance be that” – expect to hear whose child is this? Screamed out by everyone in the room.

What is the essence of good grades when your boy cannot behave properly when he sees a girl. Starting early is the key but for Fathers who may have miss the mark of starting early, this is where humility comes in, you can’t afford to be rivals with your grown-ups. You have to be close with them, talk man to man, respect their energies and help them tame it towards becoming a better man. Come down to their level.

In another news, I can’t keep this in low whispers anymore, it must go “abovewhispers” a group of young people recently told me that if they had to choose who should die first between their dad and mom, they (98%) would ask that their dad die first.

Fathers are in trouble, where did we get it wrong???

But what do I know.