LOUD WHISPERS: Mama Uche

Let me tell you the story of Mama Uche. She was a dutiful wife to Baba Uche, and had been married to him for at least twenty years with four children. Almost every day of her life with Baba Uche, he told her how useless she was, how stupid she was and how she was no better than a donkey. Day after day, there was something Mama Uche did or said that did not sit well with Baba Uche. Sometimes she got beaten, slapped or kicked, it depended on Baba Uche’s mood or how much alcohol he had imbibed. It was the verbal and emotional abuse that was almost daily. Mama Uche often felt like a ghost haunting her own house. She saw her body moving around and wondered who that person was.

One day there was a family event, Baba Uche’s elderly Uncle had passed away, so the women in the family were cooking. Baba Uche went in search of his wife and found her with a group of women preparing meat. Mama Uche was sharpening a meat cleaver that would be used to cut the meat into sizeable portions for cooking. Baba Uche stood in front of her yelling, telling her how much of an idiot she was for not bringing him food to eat. The other women tried to reason with him and explained that no one had eaten yet, they were still cooking the food. Mama Uche was silent, she just kept sharpening the cleaver. Baba Uche kept up his loud rant, and included Mama Uche’s family members in his abuses. All of a sudden there was a loud thwacking sound, followed by screams and yells. Then people started running all over the place. Baba Uche was lying there in a pool of blood. What happened? When you pull something beyond the limits of its elasticity, it snaps. Mama Uche snapped.

We are all too familiar with cases of men abusing women in so many different ways. We have all grown up seeing the odd woman bash her husband around, but it was a rare sight. Sadly, these days, women are beginning to snap. They have taken enough lies, cheating, abuse, humiliation, depression, and deprivation. They have prayed. Oh, how they have prayed. They have gone up mountains, fasted forty days and forty more, they have done dry fasts for seven days and white fasts for twenty-one days. They have consulted Muslim clerics, pastors, traditional medicine men and attended one ‘empowerment seminar’ after another. They have been humble, quiet, hardworking, obedient, silent, all in an effort to ‘tame’ their husbands. Nothing has worked. The more they try the less effective they are and the unhappier they become. Then the coping mechanisms kick in, and the end results are usually the same – more unhappiness. Some choose extreme religious beliefs. Some fall into the hands of other men who can make them feel special or wanted for a change. Some drink more than they should. Others start taking medications to help them sleep, then other drugs to help with anxiety and if care is not taken, they graduate to stronger stuff.

In a society where men have such deep feelings of entitlement due to patriarchal norms and values, there is very little sympathy for women who are unhappy when their husbands treat them badly, particularly when it comes to the issue of infidelity. Religion, culture and tradition ‘allow’ men access to the bodies and emotions of as many women as they can afford or are comfortable with. This leaves women with having to make dubious choices. Stay and live in humiliation and constant stress? Or leave and face the stigma of marital failure and an uncertain future for the children? None of these choices are made lightly. And in all this, the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energies of women are stretched and pulled to the absolute limit. Till they snap. Over the past few years, we have seen cases of more women killing their spouses or murdering the children of their rivals. Homicide is a terrible thing, and anyone who takes the life of another has to be held accountable. However, do we ask ourselves, why do men murder their wives and why do women murder their husbands? Men who murder their wives do so in installments. It starts with threats, a slap, kick, beatings, and by the time the killer blow or bullet is delivered, the victim has died many times over. The women’s organisations, safe houses and police stations who deal with cases of domestic violence and spousal murder can provide details of all the cases they have worked on over the years for us to examine the patterns. Dead bodies of wives do not show up in a vacuum. Once healthy, vivacious talented women become corpses over a period of time. They dissolve slowly into the ghost Mama Uche sees, till it dawns on her that she is looking at herself. Yes, women kill men, and it is a terrible thing, yet we need to look at the body count.

I believe that women of all ages who are in a bad relationship should make a choice and live with it. If you want to leave, don’t look back, it could be the best decision of your life. What you should not do is stay in a marriage and endure it as a constant war zone. One day something will give and someone will be dead or in jail and the children will suffer.

Men should know that times have changed, and they need to be careful. We can argue from now till eternity about the rights men have under religion, tradition or convention to have more than one wife or multiple mistresses. In the Yoruba language there is a proverb that translates as ‘There is no woman who wants a rival, anyone who says so is pretending’.  In the days of our ancestors, women gained a certain level of freedom when their husbands took other wives. The new wives would have to do farm work, house duties and bedroom calls. The older wives did not like it but they had no choice, so as a coping mechanism, they made it work. The anger, bitterness and resentment never went away. I have friends with all kinds of marital identities – married monogamously, married polygamously, separated, divorced, single, widowed, rich and poor. I have listened to them, cried with them, and prayed with them over their cheating, abusive, insensitive, dead beat spouses. None of these women has ever raised a finger not to talk of a cleaver in retaliation for all the abuse they have suffered. Men need to stop disrespecting women and depriving them of dignity. Women can pretend for years that they are okay with the behavior of their husbands, till they have a ‘Mama Uche moment’ and cause irreparable damage.

We live in different times. Many young people are fearless, and not in a good way. Marriage is a desirable institution, but it should not be compulsory for incompatible people. Let parents sit their sons and daughters down and have a conversation about the things happening around us now. Husbands beating and killing their wives. Wives killing their husbands. Men and women should be able to live together with mutual respect and understanding, and if it is not working, they can go their separate ways before the meat cleavers come into play. May peace reign in all our families and may the devil never make our homes a place of rest. Have a great week.

 

Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com

 

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21 Responses to LOUD WHISPERS: Mama Uche

  1. Femi Diipo November 27, 2017 at 11:11 pm

    A big amen to that prayer. This is a timely message considering all the events that have been going on around us lately. Domestic violence and abuse really must stop, and men really need to learn how to teat their wife with respect and care.

    Reply
  2. Dom Dom November 27, 2017 at 11:16 pm

    While reading this a lot of similar events flash through my mind, I think there are men like this almost in every community, men who constantly frustrates their wives and abuse them in every way possible. This really must stop, because eventually even their life is at stake. Just like baba Uche eventually found out

    Reply
  3. Olakunle Olajide November 28, 2017 at 12:04 pm

    AMEN!! This is just so true. When the elastic limit is exceeded, the next thing is a break point and most times causes a great damage that could or could not be repairable. I understand this write up so well because i experienced it as a kid growing up in a closed environment where different families have this same issue week in week out. And it is so saddening that this is still the case at this present time. May God instill true love in our hearts and a heart of forgiveness.

    Reply
  4. Loreta Williams November 29, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    May Peace indeed reign in our homes. Like I say, for every action there’s always been an inaction! Something triggers everything we see.

    Reply
  5. Victor Udoh November 29, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    I have seen the pains of having a battled home and I don’t want my children to experience it at all. That’s why being very careful with my choice as a man. The fact is women of nowadays have a subtle way of frustrating men and if a man isn’t careful, he will become a monster.

    Reply
  6. Sharon Miller November 29, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    @victor, I think some words are inappropriate… If a man is a monster he will always be a monster, you can’t display what you don’t have. Marriage is worth preparing for intently but I hope we young ones listen and unlearn some things we have seen in movies and social media.

    Reply
  7. Olajumoke James November 29, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    This is what we should be talking about. We should tackle the case and prevent insanity in marriage. We should teach our children not rush into marriage.

    Reply
  8. veronica Imaseun November 29, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    Hmmm…The issue of marital battles are quite real. We just have to look into the mirror and address ourselves. Like what @victor said, I hate such a statement because modern day women also face a lot of struggles that make them go insane and then they get the ‘snap’.! We should learn correctively and not come around saying what doesn’t propel good learning. Thanks for addressing this issue ma.

    Reply
  9. olanrewaju November 29, 2017 at 2:50 pm

    May God help us. Marriage has always had its down stories from time immemorial. This age has just brought it further because of the times we are in. My advice is, if you are going to marry, marry someone you know and someone who knows you.

    Reply
  10. Gloria Olaniyi November 29, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    Something similar happened in my area, the woman almost killed her husband and she kept saying, ‘she couldn’t take it anymore’ lots of marriages are battered but a lot of marriages are also enjoying bliss. We should learn well and have a space for one another, marriage is for adults, those grown in the head and not for babes. A lot of people prepare for the wedding and not for the marriage. Learning to understand your partner is key.

    Reply
  11. Laura Dameson November 29, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    Hmmm..mental health is key o. Before you marry anyone check the mental stability of that person.

    Reply
  12. Molara Johnson November 29, 2017 at 5:39 pm

    What is the idea of standing with an insane spouse? I have worked with women who are depressed, battered from parasitic marriages and it’s depressing! I wish we would could talk more about this issue. All, I will say it, please watch well before you marry and don’t get married because of the physical things you see… Get married for values. They worth more than the ephemeral things we indulge into her minds. Thanks for sharing this ma and congrats on your award by Lagos Chamber of Commerce! More grease ma.

    Reply
  13. Perpetua Dandeson November 30, 2017 at 10:04 am

    Amen!!! Wrecked homes result in societal problems. I fear for the kind of children that are a product of such homes. Parents need to sit their children down to explain these things..core values of marriage and a good home. The effects of negligence will tell on our generation and generations to come.

    Reply
  14. Shina Dideolu November 30, 2017 at 10:55 am

    Thanks fro addressing this issue ma. Lots forget to tell their kids the real deal about marriage, all they do is hurry them up to get married and when the marriage is unbearable some of them persuade their kids to stay there managing and end up making a wreck of their future. Let’s speak the truth and let every young person know that Marriage is different from the ‘Wedding Show’!

    Reply
  15. Iniobong Akpan November 30, 2017 at 10:57 am

    This is a deep one. I reread this write-up over and over again and I must say, I have learnt a lot. Marriage is very delicate.

    Reply
  16. Sara Macaulay November 30, 2017 at 11:01 am

    I saw you at an event and I was drawn to you and when you mentioned this site, I traced it and I am happy to be here. This is such a great insight and speaking with great wisdom on an issue as sensitive and looming as this, Thank you so much. The older generation should share their experience and make the younger ones understand the nitty-gritty of marriage. The mistakes, the lessons, the understanding there-in. It is possible to make marriage work but you must know how to make it work. Marriage is not a fast food delicacy. It’s like beans, you have to wait for it and keep adding water.

    Thank you so much ma’am

    Reply
  17. Aderanti Esther November 30, 2017 at 2:43 pm

    The way marriages wreck around the world now, It is very alarming!

    Reply
  18. Bisi Alawode November 30, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    Mama o, God bless you. Let Good parents sit their children down and talk sense to them. Some parents aren’t sensible enough to know how to talk to their children on this marriage topic. They are the ones fostering bad behaviours in the lives of their children.

    Reply
  19. Victoria E November 30, 2017 at 2:50 pm

    it’s always a big deal when the woman snaps back but when the man was torturing the woman, no one saw her! The best thing is to leave a marriage that drives you insane.

    Reply
  20. Eric Onuoha December 1, 2017 at 11:00 am

    I say a big Amen to the prayer. Indeed there are lots of abusive relationships in our society. Both women and men suffer abuse and the truth is when they can’t take it anymore they are bound to react, most times without even thinking about it.
    Parents have a lot to teach their children. Male children should be taught to respect and value women. May God help us

    Reply
  21. DSEED December 4, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    Amen. May the teaches us to know and to do the rightful in our marriages.

    Reply

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